Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
