Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
