I met the friendliest cop last night
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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