just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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