the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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