we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
