I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
