I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
