just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
