rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
