Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize