Your face is a jimmy john
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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