I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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