im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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