I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
my sisters under your porch take her home
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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