p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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