then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
A bitchslap is in order.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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