never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
