Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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