Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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