Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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