Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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