It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
