The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
