i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
