just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
