Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
