if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
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