wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
