apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
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I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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