She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
