sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
