You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
