Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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