Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
