Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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