I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Randomize
