thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
