I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Floor bacon is actually really good
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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