I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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