Cold hands, warm shart.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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