sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
