he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
