Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
