we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.