They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
