So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.