So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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