90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
