Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
splinters make it hard to masturbate
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
