Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
you inspire me to be a worse person
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
