I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
