i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Even the bartender felt bad for me
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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