we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
