The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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