areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
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