You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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