I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
