She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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