He passed out mid-signature
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
